i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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