My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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