They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
