dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
