i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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