you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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