Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
