i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
