Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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