She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
