I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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