I seem to have left my pride at pride
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
