I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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