I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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