apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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