I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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