I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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