You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
