god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
