yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
