Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Randomize
