I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
