Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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