Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i've created a new STD.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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