I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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