He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
