"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
