I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
