chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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