A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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