My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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