i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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