I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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