Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
