You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
