So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
