Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
