I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
