Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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