I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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