I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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