so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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