I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
