If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
