he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
