I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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