I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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