Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
