you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
