Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
