May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
