not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I accidentally burped into my bong.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
