Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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