Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
