So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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