i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
