Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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