I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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