his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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