That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
