So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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