I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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