i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
