just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
