Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
